This has been an interesting weekend.
Still house sitting with my 90 year old Great-grand Aunt Georgia and the dog Jake. She likes to talk. The dog likes to bark. A lot.

After about a month of being at work from 7 in the morning until well after 9 at night, I finally had to ask for a day off.
It was a day I spent the first part getting my 90 year old great-grand aunt out of the house for a bit, then the later part was spent seeing The Avengers.

Saturday, I went to Lakewood for a lesbian meetup group BBQ party. I had a great time and ended up getting a lot of attention. I mean a lot.
It was a bit overwhelming and confusing for me.
I understand that part of it is that I am becoming a familiar face, part of it is that I am still rather new to these people, and part of it is that I am dressing even more femme (because I am finally down to a size where they have the dresses I like). Still, I am not used to this.
Honestly, I am not even sure how to respond. Between one situation and another, I am just not feeling so confident about getting involved right now.
I have agreed to a date Friday, but my desire to take things slow is only heightened by events of this year. In fact, I dare say I am feeling fairly unsteady about such things. I have spent the last several years single. I don't like being hurt and I don't ever want to hurt anyone else. So I tread very carefully. I don't want to lead anyone on, but I have to admit I am not familiar with being chased, so I am inclined to be extra cautious. Not something everyone does, I know. But something I can't help but do.

Which leads me to learn a lot more about myself.
Rather at a time when I have set myself up to be so busy with work and distracted as to avoid over-analysing things too much. Not that it has completely worked, more that it has slowed down the opportunities I have to spin my mental wheels.

Perhaps, I can take a moment (it is my journal after all) to wax about the attention I got. I am not inclined to brag about things that are not outcomes of direct effort, but I suppose on some level this does come from effort I have made to be prettier.
So, first, there was the girl in the white muscle shirt. She kept moving into my personal space, though later she met someone who was a bit more responsive and before the party was over her and her new gal were wrapped around each other. Then there was the butch who is a published author. She made a point of talking to me frequently. She was pretty cool. Then there was the woman in the purple shirt, who has read one of my favorite authors and she was very nice. Then there was the physical trainer, who took me by the arm and pulled me away to talk. There may have been others who were more subtle, but that is my highlight list.
I met the physcial trainer one other time. At that point she had a girlfriend, but she seemed very nice. Now she is single and seems intent on dating me. In fact, someone else asked about her girlfriend (probably thinking the same thing I was but they had an easier avenue for bridging the conversation that I did as she was very clearly hitting on me). So she made the clear statement that she is single now. Paused, and then followed it up with, "Except now I think I will start dating Mari."
This is a very brash move.
I might have been a bit impressed.
I did respond by asking if I had a say in this, which at least diffused the moment a bit. In the end, I have agreed to a date with her. I have to admit, I am intrigued by the idea that someone could be that interested in me. That determined. It is flattering.
How things will work out, I do not know. I know that I will do my best not to make any promises unless I intend to make good on them. But then, that is how I always try to live.
I will say, that so far, she has yet to make me really laugh.

I have been learning (and practicing) how to be more attractive. I have been learning how to accept that I can be attractive. I am now learning how to accept being attractive and the responses that come from that. Cause and Effect. I have been practicing Cause. I am learning Effect now. I am learning how to be wanted in an environment I want to be wanted in.

After the BBQ I got to go to an art show. Lesbian (and or gay) artists and a lesbian band playing. It was a great time and I got compliments on my dress and met yet another person who has decided to take and interest in me getting into a relationship. Which turned out to be helpful. See, there was a woman there who was a bit flirtatious when I met her and I was rather hoping to talk to again, but then later she was busy with someone else, and then someone else after that. At first, my new friend said she thought she was a good match, but later she came back and said the woman in question cycled thru girlfriends very fast.
Meeting women in Los Angeles tends to play into the stereo types seen on TV.
Hell, making friends in LA plays into the same issue.

But I am learning. Bit by bit, I am learning.

Tags: date, femme, fitness, gay, lesbian, meetup, work
Where:: 92678
Mood...: hopeful

Well, the "drowning myself in work" part is working very well.
I go to the gym at 7 in the morning, start work at 9am, and leave the office around 9:30pm most nights. Except Wednesday, when I have college after work (but still on the property) and I get out closer to 9pm.

We shall see how much I am going to lose out in taxes next pay check.

So far I have managed to get on the wrong side of a trainer, or so it seems. Also a rep or two has decided they can't make eye contact with me anymore. All because of an error on someone else's part that I don't care much about and therefore failed to get corrected in a timely manner.
The trainer may also dislike me because I have strong personality and have disagreed with her.
I am hoping her opinion won't hinder me in the program I am involved in.

A little bit more information about that; it turns out that the program is a six month long supervisor training program (not with that trainer, more of an internship).
Every step I make and every word I say (or don't say) is going to be judged.
We did finally get a training class for this program. It went very well and I am hoping I get a very good review from that trainer. I also have a better idea of what they are expecting from me. I shall step up my game.

So that is work. Which is the vast majority of my life now.

I did spend a bit of time trying to live it up. I went out and partied and had a good time. It was fun. I look forward to being able to go out again some day. Maybe one night next weekend. Maybe not. We shall see.
I do have plans for the weekend after that. Which is also Pride weekend in Long Beach. I was also hoping to make a trip down to San Diego that weekend, but at this point if that happens it will only be for a few hours tops.

In other news, I am slowly getting my apathy back. I am not so big on being the only one reaching out anymore. I used to do that and then I saw how others who did that usually got taken for granted or taken advantage of, and so I put limits on myself.
Either I am worth the effort to others, or I am not. And if I am not, then I should not spend my energy where it is not wanted. This is not an easy trick for me. I am stubborn and will keep trying past the point when I should walk away.
Trying for nothing hurts, giving up hurts.
"The only way to win, is not to play."
Such is life.

The good news is that a few friendships have gotten better since. So, the experiment is working so far. Maybe some people will come around, maybe not. In the meantime I know for sure that I have people who care about me as a person. Faults and all.
Priceless.

So I am learning to be content with losing some and winning others. Quality over quantity.

-------
We are winding down to the end of the first year back in SoCal.
I still don't spend enough time at the beach, but I am getting closer to having a beach body (or at least a nicely shaped, curvy one).
I am rebuilding my wardrobe, with more dresses than I have ever had.
Making connections with people and learning not to overvalue them (especially if they are with people from the LA area).
Slowly getting closer to family I didn't know, but not the ones I did know.
It is a strange new world, but I am getting used to it.

It also means I am half way through my employment contract.

I have gotten back into writing, though only poetry so far. Nothing in the realm of stories, but I think that will come later.
I have (I think) improved with my photography. I am looking at pursuing the printing and selling of such items.
Knitting has slowed down a lot and spinning just hasn't happened. So far. I am still coming up with designs, I just haven't sat down and made things lately. The few pieces I have been working on have been very slow to progress.

I know I know I have had some personal changes since I moved. Some personality changes, now that I am pretty much where I want to be. I have learned a lot of things over the years and those lessons are just starting to manifest as behavioral and thought process alterations.
Some people have been able to keep up with the changes, some not so much. They still think of me as I was years and years ago. I don't have time for people who hold on to a shadow instead of looking at me.

-------

In short: more art, more work, less friends, better interactions, better clothes and makeup, still lonely, still making self-improvements, still living, always learning.
Time passes.

Tags: art, california, college, knitting, people, pics, poetry, pride, san diego, tech support, weightloss, work, writing
Where:: 92679

In general, there are factors in life that effect how things go.
Often, they are things that you can neither see nor predict. This is because they are not your factors.

It reminds me of the old story about a group of blind people trying to figure out a thing they were touching. Each person only got one area and none of them came up with what the full object was, which was an elephant. Each person could only interpret the piece they had access to.

This is how relationships work. And when I say relationships, I am referring to all human interactions, not just romantic types.

Without good communication, no one knows what the other person is feeling.
Without the knowledge, it is easy to make up your own answers. Maybe this is where we get to find out if one is an optimist or a pessimist. In which case, I am a pessimist.
A friend told me I need to try pronoia. When I asked for clarification, he said:
"in the face of the unknown ... if you have a choice to imagine negative or positive possibilities.. choosing to imagine the positive ones"

I told him I am afraid of getting my hopes up.
He said, "you're not afraid of getting your hopes up... you want to avoid the pain that comes up with being attached to what you want to happen not happening"

I said that is the same thing.
He says it is not.

I was raised to expect the worse and hope for the best. This has served me well in many things. Except that parts that involve me. Because then, expecting the worse means planning on being rejected or denied.
Of course, my brain doesn't like leaving things at that. So my brain tries to come up with reasons for the rejection. Theoretically, this is for self improvement. I can figure out if something about me needs to change or maybe my choice in people for whatever-level relationship. But sometimes, if I can't quite make sense of the situation, I get stuck kicking at myself.
But asking someone why they don't like you is awkward at best and potentially detrimental at worse. So, lacking their information, I can't find the elephant either. I can only find my own issues.

So, I am going to drown myself in work. I am going to keep myself so busy that I won't care about the stupid elephant. The light at the end of the tunnel is that doing this will be good for my career, improve my chances of getting relocation to San Diego and when it is all said and done, hopefully the people who care about me will still be around and all the others will have faded back.
Then I won't have to sort through my relationships to figure out which ones are good investments and which ones are bags of broken glass just waiting to cut me. I am hoping that I will get to shake off the parasites and my real friends will be waiting for me to come up for air.

Of course, it may not work out that way. Or at least not that easily, but I will cross that bridge when I get there. In the meantime, I get to be selfish with my time.

The easy take away from this is the fact that I got two promotions this last week at work. I am finally going to be back in Tech Support and I am also in a leadership program that will involve me getting to be a substitute supervisor as needed. The leadership deal also means a lot of additional things. I will be doing lots of work, filling in where ever I am needed, being a tour guide for visitors to our center and getting to work with lots of other departments. There will be long hours and long work weeks (which can mean OT pay). I will get to network with lots of other departments and vendors, which is going to help me leverage my way back to San Diego. The whole time, I will be getting a chance to prove myself and will therefore be putting myself at the head of any position application.
So, I buckle down now and reap the benefits later on. As a side bonus, I get to put personal stuff to the side while I focus on work.

In general, I am trying to simplify things.
I am tired of the complications. Things can be easier if I do my part to make them easier.
Or at least that is the idea.
We will see how this all pans out by the end of the year.

Tags: news, psychology, rant, relocation, san diego, tech, tech support, work
Where:: 92708

Ok, so I just uploaded three new userpics.

That is all I wanted to say.

Drama, car accident, food poisoning, depressive behavior, job concerns, physical pain, loneliness, disappointment, missed opportunities, lots of doubt, confusion, frustration, anger....

That sums up the high points of the last three weeks.

The trip to the cemetery was a bit awkward and less productive than I hoped, primarily because there was a guy in a chair sitting right there by the marker. Breaking down in front of strangers is so not my thing. What with that whole social anxiety issue, is it any wonder? Then there is also the long standing habit of locking down on emotions when around someone I do not trust so that I can keep myself safe (thanks mom).

The next weekend was almost a total disaster. It was one of the worst times I have had in San Diego. The best part of that weekend was the birthday party, which did not involve any suffering. The second best part was lunch the next day. Well, except for all the problems just trying to get lunch to happen. It was a two hour plus process.

I am not sure what is up with the social scene up here, but last weekend was full of trying to find some joy and failing. The best part of last weekend was getting a little bit of time to cuddle someone while watching a movie. That is, when the movie wasn't being paused because they had to step out and take a work call.

This weekend has been better only in the sense that I have gotten over a lot of the emotional stuff (or at least beat the horse dead), got some new clothes and did a bit of cleaning/reorganizing of my room. Other than that, I have been stood up yesterday and today by the same person. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. It also marks 4 years since I busted my knee open. My boss thinks I should just stay home. I admit I am tempted.....

I deactivated my facebook account about a week and a half ago. I have some things I need to figure out and it was a distraction. It also was feeding confusion about the issues I am dealing with. So, instead of spending my time reading status updates from my friends, I am reading books on my phone.

In other news, I did manage to get some good dancing in last night and, near as I can tell, I believe I leveled up on that skill. I was pulling off moves I had not known I could do. I am hoping this is a sign that things will be improving. Maybe. Hopefully....

Tags: accident, cleaning, disaster, psychology, san diego, work
Where:: 92708
Mood...: blah

I recently got a new phone.
My new phone supports an LJ app.
This means I get to go back to lot of postings. Including, being able to write up posts late at night, when I am tired and sitting in a bar/club feeling low/lonely.

Excited, aren't you?

I am also going to be able to make photo posts again!

Planning a ticker tape parade in celebration yet?
Oh yeah!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags: via ljapp
Where:: US, California, San Diego, Herbert St, 3755

I tire quickly of having problems with others. Maybe it is age telling on me, maybe it is years of customer service work or maybe I am just too much a softy.
Nonetheless, I find myself more inclined to apologize and have peace, than bother debating something where there is no real right or wrong.

Perhaps this is just what I needed. Perhaps being tired will prevent me from emotionally shutting down this weekend. I guess we shall see.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags: via ljapp
Where:: US, California, San Diego, Idaho St, 4647

So it turns out yet again that I can still fall into getting hurt.

It is interesting how one can keep their heart safe from hurt by not giving it away, yet one can still be hurt nearly as much by opening up to a friend.

Ok, so 'interesting' may be a sarcastic term for it.

I have a hard time with being vulnerable. This is neither earth shattering news nor terribly unique. Yet, the rare times I do let some one in and try to share things it is often to find that I misunderstood and they don't want to be that kind of friend.

Either I am really bad at picking people to trust, or I just suck at understanding what other people mean when they say they want to be friends.

So I make that mistake again and again until I just don't rely on anyone any more or at least not so much that I try to rely on them any one person.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags: event, people, psychology, via ljapp
Where:: US, California, Irvine, Orange, Driveway

We are nine months since I moved.

There have been ups and downs and inbetweens. I have gone many miles and stayed pretty much where I have been for a while.

I do the same thing for a living now that I have been doing for years, though I am still trying to get out of it. In fact, I signed up for another college class next quarter. Nothing spectacular, just Intro to Business. It is one of the requirements for getting an AA. I am toying with the idea of taking a second online class. Credits don't earn themselves, ya know.

I am making new friends, finding new cool things to do and places to see. Yet my favorite thing is still tripping to San Diego and being there. I find myself waffling on the idea of my future now. I keep trying to convince myself to accept my current location and just plan to live here for years to come. Positions with my current employer are few in San Diego. So, unless I want to try to find a whole new job and start over, I really should just start living here. It would make things easier.
But really, I want to go home. I want to live in San Diego. So how do I try to make plans to that end? Should I scope jobs there? Do I come up with ways to make the long commute productive so that it is easier to deal with? Maybe just getting closer would be a good start? San Clemente or Oceanside, or even Dana Point?
I don't know. There is a lot to consider on the different points. It would be great if I can find a spot with the company in San Diego and, ultimately, that is what I am hoping for. So I keep asking questions and trying to find the right person to talk to at the office. It is not as easy here as it has been at other companies I have been part of. Most everyone there has been there for years or worked at a store. Strangely, these people don't seem to value networking so much. Having reached the nine month point, I believe I am eligible to move within the company and outside of the current location. I am one year and three months from basic contract completion. I will have to figure this out at some point. A point that moves a little closer every day. One step at a time, right?

On matters more personal; events occur, discussions happen, decisions are made and things stay the same for all of that. Moments are shared and insights are learned and nothing changes much. This is not a bad thing. In fact, I am still a bit trigger shy. Through a lot of thinking and poking at myself, I have discovered a nice thick wall between emotional levels. It would take quite a bit of time and effort to break through it, and frankly I am happy enough leaving that wall right there. If it means I don't ever cross into love with someone then so be it. At this point, I just can't really imagine anything past liking. I joke that my future is going to be me, alone in a little house by the ocean with fifteen cats. Yet, it has a very strong appeal. Not the fifteen cats part. That is the crux of the joke, the crazy old spinster cat lady. Rather, I am very fond of the idea that I will have my own space and my knitting. I know it is a lonely picture, but I think I am ok with that because it is a very peaceful picture. Besides, I have a lot of good friends and I know I can fill my life with the shared laughter and companionship that they bring. It would be enough, and I rather think it will have to be enough. I mean, if it was good enough for Jane Goodaal, Emily Dickinson, Jane Austin, Queen Elizabeth I, and Lizzie Borden....

In other news, I am getting back into writing. Like kinda really this time. I have words that want to paint pictures. I don't want to repress them. At least not too much.
The side effect so far is a bit of verbose behavior.
The curious thing is that I have spent the last week (most of it) happy. Just happy. This coincides with the writing. I am not sure if writing again has loosened something up or if being happy makes writing a better draw. Egg/cart chicken/horse.

With a sense of impending doom, I just want to specify that next week I will be going to the cemetery to see my dad's marker. At that point that I go it will be two years and two weeks since and this will be my first visit. Not looking forward to this. Nope.
I tend to poke at my emotional injuries with a stick until the pain fades. This will be an attack with a bulldozer. Either that, or I will end up completely shut down and develop an internal time bomb situation. We shall see.

Well, time for me to do a bit of flash fiction work. Ciao.

Tags: family, relocation, san diego, travel, work
Where:: 92708

I have often marveled at the people who go through life with no regard for their emotions. People who feel often and shallowly. Of course, they usually attract large amounts of drama. Either at their own creation, or just some strangely consistent and persistent luck.

Interestingly, I am a sensitive and shy type. Yet I am also able to dial down the emotions and even manage them. I feel and strongly, but I try not to do so recklessly.

And then it hits me: I am the Spock-like daughter my dad wanted me to be. All this time later, and I can see how his efforts have paid off. I wonder if he spotted it last time we talked, or even any time before that.

I am not without emotion, but I am very capable of putting logic above emotion. Enough so that I can see the difference between me and other people. Frequently I think that it gives me an advantage. Makes me better.
Truly, it just makes me different.

Good or bad, it still means different.

Tags: family, psychology
Where:: 92708