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Eclectic and Meandering
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I am still running the fund raiser.
I am running a sale on my prints.
I am trying to raise money.
And, I am working a full time job.

Other than that, I am studying everything I can learn about photography and the business field. I am still living in San Pedro and I am still with my GF (nine months together, next week).

Two weeks ago, I lost my wallet. Last week, I had my phone stolen.

This year is still sucking terrible. I have had the luck that if I owned a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Lots of whining, but at least it is an update.

Also note, I have planned out this year's Nanowrimo.

As you were.

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Where:: US, California, Irvine, Orange, Driveway

quasipsyco
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I know, I still rarely post.
An now, here I go asking for things after all this silence.

But, it is what it is.

I am trying to get my business off the ground. I am trying to further myself as an artist.
I have started a GoFundMe campaign.

http://www.gofundme.com/3greeg

I have purchased a Canon 60D professional package at a great deal.
I have already signed up for online DSLR photography course, and online photoshop course and an in person class with a professional photographer.

I do need help covering the cost of that camera package. Anything over the cost of the camera will go to getting sellable prints.

Please, help?

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quasipsyco
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I have fallen off the posting wagon again. Haven't I?
Tsk tsk to me.

Well. Things that have happened, in a super brief summary:
School was failed due to lack of attendance. This is a very expensive mistake that I have not resolved the cost for yet. *sigh*
I did complete (after an appeal) my Net+ class. Thus, I am seriously overqualified for my job.

January was... well, 2013 has been shit so far.

I was sexually assaulted in January by a taxi driver.
I then had to take time off work.
February was largely dealing with the fall out, plus all the unsupportive comments from my landie ("I hope you stop putting yourself in these situations" and other crap) as well as generally falling apart from it.
February was also the month my Maternal Grandmother died. The one I just met last year.
March was her funeral. And me moving in with my GF because I couldn't take the comments at my home anymore.
I tried to go back to work, and realized I couldn't do it.
April, more travel. More time off work. More blowing through savings. And also, trying to start my photo art as a business. Oh, and car problems.
May, finally went back to work successfully,

So that brings us to now.

So far, I am finally pulling my head out of.... er, getting past the PTSD that was triggered by the incident in January. I am able to see how bad I was reacting to everything.
I finally do not hate my job so much. It was tough for a while. I got in arguments with bosses and boss's bosses. It has been a no bueno year.

So, I blew thru my savings, overran my credit (not the limits, just the goal credit approval to usage), and have screwed my promotion opportunities at work.

On the other hand, I am solid with my GF, I have launched an Etsy and a CafePress store, and I have a real book idea (self help thing, but still).
http://www.etsy.com/shop/MarisMixedArts
http://www.cafepress.com/sk/marismixedarts

I just need finances and mental health to continue the upswing for the rest of the year.
Other than that, things are quiet. I suppose.

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quasipsyco
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So, I haven't done my regular year in review post.
Why?

Because I have a girlfriend now (since Dec 2nd).
And work.
And school (that I haven't been doing)
And my social life (that I refuse to give up just because I have a girlfriend)


It will happen. It just may be a bit.
Partially, because she doesn't have wifi at her place. *sigh*

Either way, work sucks and I have all but given up on it.
Relationships are not easy, but I am trying anyway.
The art stuff is moving forward.
And the schooling is so far behind.

Until next time,
Ciao

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Where:: 92708
Mood...: happy happy

quasipsyco
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The good news is me and my meds have reached a balance. If fact, I would even go so far as to say we are friends. There are a lot of benefits coming from this, besides the intended pain management. For example: the med is often used for anti-anxiety, which has helped reduce my phobias. I have been able to be close to bugs and not freak out. At this point, I think it is only habit that makes me freeze up at all.
I haven't done a full test yet against the bugs or crowds, but I am building the confidence to do so.

I recently had a vacation. A full on vacation. It was very good. There were some tough parts and some frustrations, but that happens when you involve multiple people, it seems.

I am still waiting to find out what my work will be doing at the end of the month with me. I have my hopes.

Nothing new to report on any other front. Home is the same, and I have decided I want to move out and have a place to myself. Alas, budgets aren't allowing that right now because I have a car instead.
No news on dating as I am just not pursuing that at this time. I have someone I have been talking to, but we haven't met yet or anything.

Things are quite right now, and that is good.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Where:: US, California, Fountain Valley, Orange, Mount Ararat Cir, 16400
Mood...: relaxed

quasipsyco
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I can't sleep right now.

I can't sleep because I just started a new med today and so far I am twitchy and my brain won't pause.
I can't sleep because the new meds I started have a side effect of nausea and, boy, am I frelling nauseous right now.
I can't sleep because I started taking an anti-depressant for pain management and I hate the fact that it is an antidepressant.
I can't sleep because the person I got to meet in person today was aloof while were were together, later said she was interested but wanted to focus on the friendship right now and then asked me what my feels where, but when my answer was not a match to her answer, she was hurt and deleted her profile and said it is best if we never talk again.
I can't sleep because this is not the first time a woman has said she wanted to be friends and then when romantic issues became a concern threw it all away.
I can't sleep because I am wondering if my unwillingness to get emotionally involved until I know the other person has interest is too weird and will always be a problem.
I can't sleep because I am wondering if I will never have a girlfriend because without having to move at warp speed.
I can't sleep because the new med cause dry mouth, which doesn't help the nausea.

I am really hoping the new med mellows out.
This is very not fun.

Because I am not sleeping, I am writing a blog post.
Because I am not sleeping, I am thinking about past relationships.
I am thinking about choices I have made, and choices I have had made for me by others.
I am thinking about work and the confusion there.
I'm thinking about what went wrong today.
About how the future will play out.
About how I hate being sick, and feeling like I am going to be sick.
How long it will take till I can go back to bed.

Strange how suddenly life can become so very stressful.
Everything was great until about 8 pm pacific time.

Bonus: this med heightens the effects of alcohol, which has me quite frightened of drinking at all now.

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Where:: 92708
Mood...: nauseated nauseated

quasipsyco
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Well, let's see.

I have been working on making photo art. Even got a print done. It has been well received by my friends. Now I have to figure out where to have it displayed and how much to ask for it. It selling would be a good boost for my ego.

I have been getting back into writing again. I have not actually captured any of my story ideas or scenes down, at least not digitally. I started to long hand a scene but I am not keen on that media. I prefer a keyboard or a typewriter.
I have written more poems.

I have recently been practicing my hat tricks again. I even have a new style hat to learn about.

I have been practicing drawing. I think I am getting better. I even got a tattoo done based on my drawings. I believe I will further expand on the heart motif since I seem to be doing good at it.

I have not been practicing my violin. I have not played Diablo III. I have not spent any more effort trying to continue a friendship with persons who make no effort themselves.

I have developed an addiction for Asian noodle dishes. Particularly Ramen and Shabu Shabu. Or, as I like to call them, NOM NOM NOM NOM YUM.

My role at work has changed again and I do not believe I will have weekends off for the rest of the year. Even if they switch my role again, the available shift will still be working weekends, but working nights instead of mornings.

I have had a face full of how complicated human relationships on any level can be. This is not something I enjoy. I am going to work on getting back to the non-dating not-looking happy-single-and-alone person that I was before October of last year. I am going to try to do this without becoming bitter.

I am also going to start going to the gym again. I mean it. Probably try and get some time in today. Maybe.
I hope to get some time in painting. Maybe gets some knitting done eventually.
I will be taking a trip to Mexico next month. It will be an adventure. Hopefully one that is all positive.
I will be spending Thanksgiving with my family in San Diego, so that will be a new one.
I have no idea what I will be doing for my birthday this year. I just hope it goes better than last year.


So there you have it, a bit of past, some present and a hint at a future.
A complete story, really.

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Where:: 92708
Mood...: blank blank

quasipsyco
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Since the last post, a lot has happened. I met some one and got turned down. I went thru a bad space which timed perfectly with problems at work, with the car and health concerns as well as one hell of a heart break.
Really, I blame myself. Then again, I usually do regardless.

I should not have gotten so emotionally attached. Of course, if I had know how far I was going to be pushed away... But I didn't. Partially because I believed what I was told. I should not have believed. I should not have given that much trust.
It is hard to know when to let someone in. The consequence of letting the wrong one in is a lot of pain.
Which is what I am dealing with.
An it hurts so much more than I thought it would.
Mea culpa.

I think one of the hardest parts to accept is that I lost and I never was given a fair chance. She said she wasn't ready, so I stepped back and waited. I did everything to be just a friend and not be anything more. I did it well enough that I couldn't even say of things would have worked out between us as I never got to explore that.
But such is life.

I am trying to move on. I am trying to stop thinking about it. Hell, I am trying to be open to other possibilities. (And I am trying to stop whining about it to my friends.)
Really though, I just want to curl up and cry about it some more.

But crying won't get the car note paid.
Crying won't get the laundry done.
And crying won't show my friends how much I appreciate them for helping get through this.

I suspect this situation is so much worse because it happened during a very low point. A time when I needed someone who I was that close to. I did not need to lose them at that point. It was a perfect storm of emotional destruction.

But that phase has passed. Now it is just a matter of cleaning up the wreckage.

Oh, and not overextending myself.
I have to keep reminding myself about that one.

Bonus: my grandmother (the one who helped raise me) is in constant terrible pain. When the inevitable happens... Let's just say that I don't think I can ever be prepared for this one.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Where:: US, California, Irvine, Orange, Sand Canyon Ave, 15665

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Strangely, my social life has become simultaneously more complicated and much easier to manage.
Odd, I know.

I really don't feel like getting into too many details right now. Due to some recent conversations, I am rather trying to rebalance the "life as an open book" philosophy that I have and want to continue to maintain versus learning to just keep my mouth shut.

I guess I am rather feeling like I don't want to share with people anymore. Maybe I just don't really think people deserve the information. Or maybe I don't want to let people in. Or maybe I don't think people are picking up what I am laying down.

-----------
A couple of high points in general terms:

Work is going well, except the HR complaint but I am hoping that doesn't end up counting against me. We are finally (maybe just temporarily) out of the OT fest. I am working regular hours. It is kind of nice.

Next week is the last week of this college term. I am not signing up for summer classes. I am taking another break.

The girl I mentioned last post who said she wanted to date me got to have a few dates with me. She is a cool person, but we are not a match. We clash on different topics and she doesn't like my stuffed toys.

There is more things going on in my life but, for now at least, I am going to keep those things to myself.

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Where:: 92708
Mood...: frustrated frustrated

quasipsyco
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This has been an interesting weekend.
Still house sitting with my 90 year old Great-grand Aunt Georgia and the dog Jake. She likes to talk. The dog likes to bark. A lot.

After about a month of being at work from 7 in the morning until well after 9 at night, I finally had to ask for a day off.
It was a day I spent the first part getting my 90 year old great-grand aunt out of the house for a bit, then the later part was spent seeing The Avengers.

Saturday, I went to Lakewood for a lesbian meetup group BBQ party. I had a great time and ended up getting a lot of attention. I mean a lot.
It was a bit overwhelming and confusing for me.
I understand that part of it is that I am becoming a familiar face, part of it is that I am still rather new to these people, and part of it is that I am dressing even more femme (because I am finally down to a size where they have the dresses I like). Still, I am not used to this.
Honestly, I am not even sure how to respond. Between one situation and another, I am just not feeling so confident about getting involved right now.
I have agreed to a date Friday, but my desire to take things slow is only heightened by events of this year. In fact, I dare say I am feeling fairly unsteady about such things. I have spent the last several years single. I don't like being hurt and I don't ever want to hurt anyone else. So I tread very carefully. I don't want to lead anyone on, but I have to admit I am not familiar with being chased, so I am inclined to be extra cautious. Not something everyone does, I know. But something I can't help but do.

Which leads me to learn a lot more about myself.
Rather at a time when I have set myself up to be so busy with work and distracted as to avoid over-analysing things too much. Not that it has completely worked, more that it has slowed down the opportunities I have to spin my mental wheels.

Perhaps, I can take a moment (it is my journal after all) to wax about the attention I got. I am not inclined to brag about things that are not outcomes of direct effort, but I suppose on some level this does come from effort I have made to be prettier.
So, first, there was the girl in the white muscle shirt. She kept moving into my personal space, though later she met someone who was a bit more responsive and before the party was over her and her new gal were wrapped around each other. Then there was the butch who is a published author. She made a point of talking to me frequently. She was pretty cool. Then there was the woman in the purple shirt, who has read one of my favorite authors and she was very nice. Then there was the physical trainer, who took me by the arm and pulled me away to talk. There may have been others who were more subtle, but that is my highlight list.
I met the physcial trainer one other time. At that point she had a girlfriend, but she seemed very nice. Now she is single and seems intent on dating me. In fact, someone else asked about her girlfriend (probably thinking the same thing I was but they had an easier avenue for bridging the conversation that I did as she was very clearly hitting on me). So she made the clear statement that she is single now. Paused, and then followed it up with, "Except now I think I will start dating Mari."
This is a very brash move.
I might have been a bit impressed.
I did respond by asking if I had a say in this, which at least diffused the moment a bit. In the end, I have agreed to a date with her. I have to admit, I am intrigued by the idea that someone could be that interested in me. That determined. It is flattering.
How things will work out, I do not know. I know that I will do my best not to make any promises unless I intend to make good on them. But then, that is how I always try to live.
I will say, that so far, she has yet to make me really laugh.

I have been learning (and practicing) how to be more attractive. I have been learning how to accept that I can be attractive. I am now learning how to accept being attractive and the responses that come from that. Cause and Effect. I have been practicing Cause. I am learning Effect now. I am learning how to be wanted in an environment I want to be wanted in.

After the BBQ I got to go to an art show. Lesbian (and or gay) artists and a lesbian band playing. It was a great time and I got compliments on my dress and met yet another person who has decided to take and interest in me getting into a relationship. Which turned out to be helpful. See, there was a woman there who was a bit flirtatious when I met her and I was rather hoping to talk to again, but then later she was busy with someone else, and then someone else after that. At first, my new friend said she thought she was a good match, but later she came back and said the woman in question cycled thru girlfriends very fast.
Meeting women in Los Angeles tends to play into the stereo types seen on TV.
Hell, making friends in LA plays into the same issue.

But I am learning. Bit by bit, I am learning.

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Where:: 92678
Mood...: hopeful hopeful

Main
JmariC
Name: JmariC
A side note...
Deciphering symbols, unraveling gestures.
The words on the wall are taken from Babel.
Misinterpretation, the enemy courting.
Begging a difference, adding shadows and depth.
Vague shades, ideas and thoughts.
Transparent,
in a lost world.

- by JmariC
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Back August 2013
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